Not Another Stupid Harry Potter FanFic
by Mister-X1
Summary: Name says it all....
1. Two Guys, A Girl, and A Game

Disclaimer: The following characters are those of J.K. Rowlings, she has nothing to do with this fanfic (even though I wish she did. This is just a little old fanfic.  
  
(We join Harry Potter and Ron Weasley in there room, where they are talking about Quidditch when Seamus Finnigan runs in.)  
  
Seamus: Guys! The greatest thing is about to happen!  
  
Harry: So anyways Ron, if your ever going to be good at Quidditch, your going to at least have to learn how to fly a broom.  
  
Ron: I can too ride a broom, I just have certain problems playing Quidditch.  
  
Harry: Like Flying, Scoring, Stearing, Holding the ball, defending to ball, getting hit by bludgers--  
  
Seamus: Guys, am I even here!  
  
Harry: Oh Hey Seamus, we were just talking about how much Ron sucks at Quidditch.  
  
Seamus: Oh yeah, but why are you talking about it, everyone knows, it's like common sense.  
  
Ron: Oh Come On!  
  
Seamus: But seriously, the greatest thing has happened.  
  
Me and Dean Thomas were in the Three Broomsticks and we saw some girls, so we started talking, and all the sudden Dean finished his butterbeer, and the girls wanted to play Spin the Bottle! So they told us that they'd be in the Great Hall, while I went and got some more guys.  
  
Ron: And you picked us?  
  
Seamus: Well no, I actually was picking Harry, not you Ron, I mean you suck at Quidditch, But I guess you can come.  
  
Ron: Awsome, where is Hermione?  
  
Harry: Oh she's with her new boyfriend.  
  
Seamus: Who?  
  
Harry & Ron: Goyle  
  
Seamus: Hermione is going out with Goyle!  
  
Ron: Yeah they've been taking Midnight strolls together and snuggling by the fire at night.  
  
Seamus: Ew, Mental Picture.  
  
Harry: Yeah I know, We better hurry before Neville comes up here, then we'll have to take him and Ron, we don't want these chicks running away.  
  
Ron: Thats it man, one more joke and I'm going the beat the bloody pulp out of you!  
  
Harry & Seamus: HAHAHAHA!  
  
Ron: It's not funny, I can too beat you up!  
  
Seamus: Come on. we better hurry, ok before we go, I've heard one of these chicks has mono, so it'll be fun to see if anyone gets her.  
  
Ron & Harry: Cool!  
  
Seamus: lets go!  
  
(They Leave) 


	2. Spin-The-Bottle

(We continue are skit as Ron, Harry, and Seamus run to the great hall to play spin the bottle cause Dean says there are girls waiting to play. They step out of the Gryffindor Common Room.)  
  
Seamus: Oh this is going to be SO awsome!  
  
Fat Lady: May I inquire where you three gents are heading off too.  
  
Harry: No you may not inquire.  
  
Fat Lady: How rude of you, your nothing but a bunch of hooligans.  
  
Seamus: Fat Lady, can you do use a favor and go find a treadmill so you can burn off some much needed calories.  
  
Fat Lady: Well I never.....  
  
Ron: Come on guy's lets get out of here.  
  
(Ron, Seamus, and Harry walk down the hallway)  
  
Ron: Don't you guy's think you were kind of mean to the Fat Lady.  
  
Harry: Oh No! Hide!  
  
Ron: What is it! Snape, Peeves, You-Know-Who!  
  
Harry: Worse, Neville.  
  
Neville: Hi guys  
  
Seamus: (monotone) Hello Neville, How are you?  
  
Neville: I'm fine, you haven't seen Trevor anywhere have you, he hopped away from me while I was on the toilet and I haven't found him sense.  
  
Harry: Why did you bring your frog in the toilet with you?  
  
Ron: Neville, if you were on the toilet that means that the Frog is probably still in the bathroom where you left it, seeing how it probably couldn't open the bathroom door.  
  
Seamus: Either that or someone flushed that sucker down---  
  
Ron: Seamus!  
  
Neville: Oh my god, he's probably still there, got to go guys.  
  
(Neville waddles off)  
  
Harry: Whew..That was close.  
  
Seamus: Lets hurry.  
  
(Seamus, Harry, and Ron enter the Great Hall and see Dean in the corner)  
  
Seamus: Dean!  
  
Dean: Yo Yo Yo here are my homeboy's Harry and Seamus, and thier friend Ron.  
  
Harry: Who are you talking to Dean there are no girls here.  
  
Seamus: Yeah, where are all those girls.  
  
Dean: Those mad fly honey's be chillin in the billin Dawg.  
  
Ron: Translation.  
  
Harry: Their in the bathroom Ron, geeze don't tell me you don't know Ebonics.  
  
Ron: Well can't say that I do.  
  
Dean: Izzle sizzle my nizzle, dat be why the white man suppresses the black man, cuz he juzt don't underztans what we be sayin G.  
  
Ron: I understood everything but the Izzle sizzle my nizzle?  
  
Seamus: He said "This piece of **CENSORED** can't play Quidditch cause he's a red hair son of a **CENSORED**. That Mother **CENSORED**"  
  
Ron: Well thats not very kosher.  
  
Harry: Well I guess we need to sit and wait for these females to come, lets practice a few spins so that we can measure this stuff prefectly.  
  
(Hermoine walks in)  
  
Hermoine: Hi Guys  
  
Seamus: Hey Hermoine, can you practice this spin the bottle with use.  
  
Hermoine: Uh I don't think Goyle will like that, me him and Snape-e-poo are going to go on a picnic in the park. Were going to have fun and games and Snapes going to read use the Harry Potter books.  
  
Harry: The What Books?  
  
Hermoine: Oops.... *whispers* can't let him know..  
  
(Hermoine runs away)  
  
Harry: What a funny little girl. 


	3. Diana Malfoy

(We continue our story of Harry, Ron, Dean, and Seamus about to play spin the bottle, but the girls are in the bathroom so they are practicing there spins.)  
  
*Seamus spins the bottle and it lands on Ron*  
  
Harry: Ok boys, you know the rules.  
  
Seamus: Shut Up! Ron you move to the left and have a girl sit next to you, if thats possible, and I can have the bottle land on where your at now. I think I can have it land in the same spot each time.  
  
Ron: What do you mean, "If thats possible".  
  
Dean: Izzle Sizzle My Dizzle  
  
Harry: *laughing* Oh my god that was nasty Dean, Ron are you going to take that.  
  
Ron: Take what I didn't understand a word he said.  
  
Seamus: If anyone talked about my mother like that I'd have to beat them up.  
  
(Finally a bunch of girls enter the great hall, some Ravenclaw girls and a few Slytherin girls to the back.)  
  
Harry: You weren't kidding, these girls are definatly hot, especially that girl in the Pink Tu-Tu in the back.  
  
Ron: Harry, thats Draco Malfoy.  
  
Harry: No it's not.  
  
(Draco in the Pink Tu-Tu walks up to Harry and Ron)  
  
Draco: I'm not Draco, I'm Diana you idiot.  
  
Ron: You look like Draco to me.  
  
Draco: No I'm Diana, but I do think Draco Malfoy is the hottest guy in the school, next to you Harry.  
  
(Draco hugs Harry and Harry blushes.)  
  
Seamus: Ok, lets say that we get this game started, everyone sit in one big circle.  
  
Ron: I'll take the first spin.  
  
All The Girls: We'll play after he plays his turn.  
  
(Ron Frowns)  
  
Seamus: We Told you Ron. I'll go first instead.  
  
All The Girls: In that case we'll play.  
  
(In the course of the next hour the four boys will play with the girls and everyone with the exception of Ron get kissed.)  
  
Harry: I have decided that me and Diana will be Girlfriend and Boyfriend from now on.  
  
Ron: Harry, it's Draco, if you don't know that by now, then your crazy.  
  
Draco: Harry Baby, make him stop, he's hurting my feelings.  
  
Harry: She can't be a guy, she to good a kisser. Alright Ron, I think it's time to fight, we go down by the lake and we get it on.  
  
Ron: Alright, lets go, I'll beat you up.  
  
Seamus: Harry, I do think that may be Draco, I mean he is a pretty ugly women.  
  
Harry: I'll fight you to Seamus, I'm Harry Potter, I defeated Lord Voldemort.  
  
Ron: Actually we kind of found out that Voldemort took a dive to you, see there was a bet going on, and everyone was betting on Voldemort to kill you, but Voldemort was the only one to bet on you and he took a dive and got several millions of galleons, I hear he's living it up in the Caribbean now. I mean there's no way a 11 year old wizard would defeat the greatest sorcerer.  
  
Harry: Thats it, time to fight, come on Diana  
  
Draco: Coming...... 


	4. Pooky Bear?

(We continue with Ron with Dean Thomas and Seamus Finnagan going down to the lake to fight Harry Potter who's with Draco Malfoy who happens to be dressed in a Tu-Tu and is going by the name Diana)  
  
Seamus: Ok Ron, how about a few pointers before you fight Harry.  
  
Ron: I don't need any pointers, I'm going to break him like a cheap wand.  
  
Dean: Dizzle Pizzle  
  
Seamus: *laughs* Stop it Dean, I'm sure he could beat up Professor Trelawney if he tried. But seriously Ron, it would be ok to give him a few kicks in the Royal Jewels if you catch my drift.  
  
Ron: No I don't actually.  
  
Seamus: You've got to squish his in the Hot Dog and the beans.  
  
Ron: What gibberish are you talking about, we just left the Great Hall, if your hungrey go back and eat.  
  
Seamus: You know what, I didn't want to see you get the crap beat out of you, but nevermind.  
  
(Harry enters holding Draco's hand)  
  
Harry: Are you ready?  
  
Ron: Come on Draco, seriously, tell Harry who you really are.  
  
Draco: Pooky Bear, make him stop, he's hurting my feelings.  
  
Seamus: Pooky Bear?  
  
Ron: I mean come on Harry, have you ever seen a girl as ugly as that..  
  
Harry: Yeah, I've seen you Ron...  
  
All but Ron and Harry: oooooooooooooooooooo  
  
Ron: Thats it  
  
(Ron raises his fists and so does Harry)  
  
Hagrid: OH!  
  
(Hagrid enters)  
  
Hagrid: How yer all dunin today?  
  
Dean: Izzle Mizzle  
  
Seamus: Yeah, I know Dean, I wish I would have seen a fight too,how about we take all these girls and go back and play some more spin the bottle.  
  
Dean: Sizzle  
  
Seamus: Strip Poker does sound better doesn't it Dean.  
  
(Dean, Seamus, and Ladies leave)  
  
Harry: Were doing fine Hagrid, how are you?  
  
Hagrid: Ei Blimey, thats the most beautiful women I've ever laid me eyes open.  
  
Ron: Who?  
  
Hagrid: Her (points at Draco)  
  
Ron: Oh you've got to be kidding me.  
  
Harry: She's mine Hagrid  
  
Hagrid: Ei, you a lucky mate Barry *hiccup*  
  
Ron: Hagrid, have you been having a few drinks.  
  
Hagrid: Well, I might have been having me a few cups of ale, but me had to, I was remembin me poor baby Norbert.  
  
*Hagrid Crys*  
  
Draco: I never thought I'd see someone as much as a wussy as you Ron. Come on Harry, lets go somewhere a little more private.  
  
Harry: Ok Diana.  
  
(Harry and Draco exit with Harry sticking his tongue out at ron, then Hagrid passes out)  
  
Ron: Well, now what? I know I'll go practice some Quidditch and show everyone, I'm a great player.  
  
(Ron sets off towards the Quidditch pitch but sees that Hermoine and her Boyfriend Goyle are having a picnic with Severus Snape as the cook)  
  
Ron: Hey guys.  
  
Snape: Hello Ronald, would you like to try some of my tuna cassarole.  
  
Ron: No thanks, but I'm sure it's delicious.  
  
Snape: Would you like a little more time for your potions homework.  
  
Ron: Sure, but you already extented it till next month.  
  
Snape: It's due in two months then!  
  
Ron: WOW! *Snape and Ron hug*  
  
Hermoine: Well!  
  
Ron: I said Hi already Hermoine, whats your problem.  
  
Goyle: Her quarrel with you is elementary Ronald. Your horrendous battle with your companion is resulting in her foul aggression towards you.  
  
Ron: Companion?  
  
Goyle: Why, Master Potter of course..  
  
Ron: He's dating a Draco in Drag!!!!!  
  
Goyle: Have you stopped to ponder that perhaps he is aware that Draco is in drag.  
  
Ron: Shut Up Goyle! Harry is under some mind control spell and the only thing I can think of is Lord Voldemort.  
  
Hermoine: Oh Ron, It' s always Lord Voldemort this and Lord Voldemort that....Last I heard he was in the Carribean, which is far from Hogwarts.  
  
Goyle: My darling sweet, so intelligent and sweet...  
  
Hermoine: awwwww  
  
(Hermoine and Goyle kiss)  
  
Ron: Ewww, thats it, I'm going to get to the bottom of this, I know Harry is under some mind control, I know it. All I need to do is find who's doing this.  
  
Snape: Have you tried to talk to Dumbledore.  
  
Ron: Thats It! I'm going to see Dumbledore.  
  
(Ron Runs out of the Quidditch Pitch) 


	5. American Football is better than Soccer

(We continue are story of Ron Weasley running up the stone steps to Dumbledores office because he thinks powerful dark magic is controling Harry cause he is dating Diana, who is secretly Draco Malfoy in Drag.)  
  
*Ron runs, but stumbles into Crabbe on his way into the enterance hall*  
  
Crabbe: Ah, Ron No Hitting....  
  
Ron: Crabbe could you please move it or lose it because I got to go see Dumbledore.  
  
Crabbe: Well thats no reason to be a silly goose, you silly goose.  
  
Ron: Ok Ok I'm Sorry Crabbe, now can you please step aside and let me threw.  
  
*Crabbe starts to drool at the mouth, but before the drool hits the ground he sips it back up*  
  
Ron: I don't know whether to feel grossed out or sorry for you.  
  
Crabbe: Gee Willikers Ron, Of course I let you past me you busy beaver, all you have to do is say the magic word.  
  
*Ron whips out his wand*  
  
Ron: Ok  
  
Crabbe: I meant "please" you silly billy.  
  
Ron: stupify!  
  
*Crabbe goes flying down a stairwell toward the dungeon*  
  
*Ron then starts to run and makes it in front of a stone gargoyle*  
  
Ron: Lets see, whats the password.....Um, Harry said you liked candy so.....Cockroach cluster!  
  
*The Gargoyle stood there*  
  
Ron: Oh Come on, that has to be it, what other candy is there. Oh WAIT, I KNOW! how about.... Vomit Flavored Every Flavored Bean  
  
*The Gargoyle came to life and steps by*  
  
McGongall: What the devil do you think you doing!  
  
*Professor McGongall walks up*  
  
McGongall: You can't get walk up here and go see Dumbledore  
  
Ron: Professor, Please, this is a emergency.  
  
McGongall: Whatever it is, I'm sure I'm just as good as Dumbledore, you can tell me.  
  
Ron: Oh Professor, Well Harry Potter has been acting---  
  
*Ron Stopped*  
  
McGongall: what about Mr. Potter?  
  
*Ron Thought that telling McGongall the truth wouldn't get anything accomplished, so he had to tell her a lie so that he could see Dumbledore*  
  
Ron: Well Professor, recently I've been having a burning sensation when I urinate. And....  
  
*McGongall gave Ron a look of great disgust*  
  
McGongall: I would hope that you would be off to see Madam Pomfrey. But If you feel talking to Dumbledore in his busy schedule would be better, be my-- -  
  
Ron: Thanks!  
  
*Ron ran up the spiral staircase and quickly into Dumbledores office without knocking, Dumbledore stood in the middle of the room and looked almost afraid*  
  
Albus with Triumph in his eyes: Ah, Mr. Weasley hello how are you doing today.  
  
Ron: Professor Dumbledore, I think You-Know-Who may be at Hogwarts.  
  
Albus with Triumph in his eyes: WHAT! How did you kno-- I mean, why do you think that is.  
  
Ron: Wait, whats going on here.  
  
(Dumbledores eyes [which had triumph in them looked to the closet])  
  
Ron: Whats in the closet  
  
Albus with Triumph in his eyes: No mister Weasley I wouldn't  
  
(ron opened the door to find Voldemort with a beer bottle in his hand)  
  
Voldemort: Darn, he found us Albus.  
  
Ron: Voldemort!  
  
Voldemort: oh well, better get back to business.  
  
(Voldemort goes and sits on the couch and turns on a TV with a football game on)  
  
Albus: Ah, I love this game.  
  
Ron: Wait, sense when have you two!  
  
Albus: oh please Mr. Weasley, we've been friends forever. Why do you think I let Quirrel teach here. You know I know everything that goes on in the school, why wouldn't I know that.  
  
Ron: But Harry..  
  
Voldemort: What about him.  
  
Ron: He's DATING DRACO MALFOY!  
  
Albus: Good for him  
  
Ron: I think it might be Dark Magic, you must help me Dumbledore  
  
Voldemort: Oh but there's 8:00 minutes left in the game!  
  
Ron: fine I'll do It on my own.  
  
Albus: I believe Harry and Draco are in the Great Hall, if you hurry you can catch them.  
  
Ron: I'm out of here.  
  
*Ron Exits*  
  
Voldemort: kids today, oh Albus pass the pink cushion, My butt is hurting and thats so much softer. 


	6. Worst Ending to a FanFic Ever

(We continue are skit by seeing Ron Weasley hurrying from Dumbledores office to talk to Harry Potter, who is dating Draco Malfoy in drag under the name Diana)  
  
*Ron walks into the Great Hall and sees Draco and Harry setting their*  
  
Ron: Harry!  
  
Harry: Oh no, not you again.  
  
Diana: Go practice some quidditch moves, so maybe one day you can be lucky enough to hold my Snuggle bears broomstick.  
  
Ron: Snuggle Bear?  
  
Harry: Ron just get out of here, I hear that the witch welfare service is coming around, maybe you hippo of a mother can fly you there, if Comet Two Sixties you have can support her.  
  
Ron: Harry! Why wont you listen to me, thats not Diana, thats Drac-  
  
Draco: Weasley what are you doing?  
  
*Draco Malfoy walks up*  
  
Ron: What the?  
  
Draco: What are you doing to my sister?  
  
Ron: Sister?  
  
Harry: Sister?  
  
Draco: Yeah, my sister you idiots.  
  
Ron: If thats your sister, you have one ugly sister.  
  
Harry: Your his brother?  
  
Diana: Yeah.  
  
Harry: Oh wow, look at the time, I've got to go Diana, you know, back to Gryffindor tower. Come on Ron.  
  
Ron: Didn't you just make fun of my mother-  
  
Harry: Not the time Ron, not the time.  
  
*Harry and Ron bolt out of the Great Hall*  
  
Ron: All in a normal day at Hogwarts.  
  
*A Comet suddenly comes threw the wall of the school and blows the whole school up, and everyone dies.*  
  
THE END  
  
A/N: This is a story I had, I wrote it sometime a long time ago, I hope you like it, It was a stupid story, and a stupid…..well it was stupid. But that's the way I like it. Hope you liked it. 


End file.
